Building Trust, Safety, and Respect for Yourself and Relationships

I’ve been listening to Stephanie Rigg’s brilliant On Attachment podcast and doing her Healing Anxious Attachment course and it’s been wonderful. As someone who leans towards anxious attachment, I’ve found her approach refreshingly compassionate. She doesn’t make any insecure attachment style “the bad one” (avoidant attachment often gets unfairly demonised). Instead, she helps you see these patterns for what they are: coping and protective strategies you developed to stay safe in relationships. They’re not “wrong,” but they might not be serving you anymore. And hwer work shows you that you can rewire them.

One of the things I love most about her work is that she focuses on building safety and trust in yourself, so you’re less dependent on external reassurance to feel okay. Here are some of the tools she shares for feeling less anxious and more secure in relationships:

✨ Self-soothing & nervous system care

Learning to calm your body when you’re triggered, so you can respond with compassion instead of reacting from fear. This could be as simple as deep breathing, grounding yourself in your senses, or moving your body to release tension. It’s so common to hear avoidant, anxious, or disorganised attachment talked about as if one is “better” than the others, demonising particular insecure attachment styles that might challenge you or differ from your own. I've been there! But let's re-frame this. These are not flaws. They’re coping and protective strategies we learned in childhood. They are ways we adapted to the dynamics of our families or other relationships to feel safe.

Now as adults, those same strategies play out in our relationships. That doesn’t make us villains. It makes us human.

The real shift happens when we stop pointing fingers at our partners and start taking accountability for our own part. When we notice our patterns, bring awareness to them, and choose to update the ones that no longer serve us. That’s how we build self-trust, and eventually, more secure and connected relationships.

Blame and shame only make us more defensive and closed (and our partners more defensive and closed). Curiosity and compassion open the door to understanding each other’s perspectives and ourselves. None of us asked for these attachment strategies, but it is our responsibility to bring awareness to and change them if we want to create healthier, thriving connections.

We are not here to repeat the old stories of silence, suppression, and “don’t feel.” We are here to do it differently, to meet ourselves and each other with care, and grow together. 🌱 ✨ Validating your own feelings

Instead of seeking constant external approval, practise telling yourself “My feelings are valid. I can trust my internal experience.” This builds self-trust and makes you less reliant on others to confirm your worth.

✨ Integrity-based decision-making

Making choices from your values helps you feel aligned and empowered, rather than chasing approval or safety through people-pleasing and behaviours that don't feel aligned.

✨ Distinguishing between anxiety & intuition

Anxious attachment can make every pang of fear feel urgent and true. Learning to recognise “This is anxiety” allows you to comfort that part of yourself, pause, and act from a calmer, wiser more intuitive place.

✨ Stretching your comfort zone in safe ways

Growth comes from trying new things, but not at the cost of overwhelming your nervous system. Find gentle edges to lean into, challenges that feel a little scary, but still safe enough to try. This builds confidence and resilience over time.

If you’re someone who struggles with anxiety in relationships, I can’t recommend Stephanie’s work enough. Her tools are both gentle and powerful, helping you move from reactivity and fear towards grounded, secure, deeply connected relationships.

Performer: @jaimeleewilloughby

Photo credit: @hmerlfoto