Demonising Attachment Styles Doesn’t Help Any of Us

It’s so common to hear avoidant, anxious, or disorganised attachment talked about as if one is “better” than the others, demonising particular insecure attachment styles that might challenge you or differ from your own. I've been there! But let's re-frame this. These are not flaws. They’re coping and protective strategies we learned in childhood. They are ways we adapted to the dynamics of our families or other relationships to feel safe.

Now as adults, those same strategies play out in our relationships. That doesn’t make us villains. It makes us human.

The real shift happens when we stop pointing fingers at our partners and start taking accountability for our own part. When we notice our patterns, bring awareness to them, and choose to update the ones that no longer serve us. That’s how we build self-trust, and eventually, more secure and connected relationships.

Blame and shame only make us more defensive and closed (and our partners more defensive and closed). Curiosity and compassion open the door to understanding each other’s perspectives and ourselves. None of us asked for these attachment strategies, but it is our responsibility to bring awareness to and change them if we want to create healthier, thriving connections.

We are not here to repeat the old stories of silence, suppression, and “don’t feel.” We are here to do it differently, to meet ourselves and each other with care, and grow together. 🌱