Lowering Walls by Being Open and Curious

Sometimes the most powerful shifts in our relationships come from the smallest changes. Like learning to pause before reacting, or swapping “you never...” for “when this happens, I feel...” suddenly, a wall lowers. A moment of defensiveness softens. A little more of you gets to be seen without the noise.

I’ve been really connecting with the work of James “Fish” Gill lately.

He shares that when we step into conflict, both people are often closed off, protecting themselves, defending their side, unable to truly hear the other.

We don’t want to be the “bad guy,” so we sometimes can’t see our part in the dynamic. It is important for us to reflect on how we could show up differently and be more open and curious.

The shift happens when one person enters the conversation with an open heart, willing to understand where the other was coming from, even if they’ve caused us pain. When we speak from both our own experience, and our curiosity about theirs, something shifts. The wall comes down, and the other person often meets us in a very different place.

In his book How to Fall in Love With Humanity, he writes about taking someone out of the “villain” role and seeing them in their messy humanness, with their own coping and protective strategies.

We don't often want to hurt the other person but hurt, mistakes, and misunderstandings are inevitable in relationships. But our willingness to repair, to talk about ruptures, no matter how small, can make all the difference between shutting down and finding our way back to connection with each other.