Speaking From the Heart: Scripts for Tough Talks
Here's a simple script that can turn difficult conversations into moments of honesty, kindness, and deeper connection.
As someone who can get fiery when I'm emotionally charged, someone who has had a tendency toward criticism and blame when I feel hurt or triggered, I've learned (the hard way) that the way we start a difficult conversation can completely change how it unfolds.
Using gentle, honest scripts like this has helped me have more productive, kind, and loving conversations, where care stays at the center, even when it's hard. It’s also made a huge difference in how people respond: when you speak with openness instead of blame, others are much more likely to stay receptive and connected, rather than shutting down or getting defensive.
Here is one of my favourite conversation starters that can help (inspired by John Gottman):
"When [this specific thing] happens, I feel [this specific emotion]. What I need is [this specific need]."
Example:
"When you cancel our plans last minute, I feel hurt and unimportant. What I need is to feel considered and respected when we make time for each other."
If you’re in relationship with someone who tends to be avoidant, defensive, or shut down when difficult conversations arise, even when you’re speaking with kindness and clarity, you’re not alone. Some people have deep conditioning that makes them hear “you’ve done something wrong” or “you’re not enough” no matter how gently the message is offered.
In those moments, it can help to precede your need or feeling with a sentence that softens their nervous system, reassures them of your care, and signals safety. Here are a few scripts that can help you set the stage before stepping into the deeper stuff:
"I want to share something with you, and I want you to know that I am bringing it up with compassion and love. My aim in sharing this is to feel closer and more connected to you."
"Can I share something that’s on my heart? I don’t need fixing or solutions, just your presence, curiosity and connection. Do you have capacity for that right now?"
"Before I say this, I want you to know that I love you and I’m bringing this up to try to create more closeness."
"I’ve got something I want to share with you and I've noticed in the past that when we talk about this stuff, it’s hard on both of us. I want to do it differently this time, can we try to stay connected while I share something vulnerable?"
"Can I check in, is now a good time for an honest heart chat? I’d love for us to be grounded and open before we dive in."